Hilarity on the scene, a depraved insight into gig promotion

"They'll recognize just what I stand for
and what I just can't stand"
-Louden Wainwright III

Here's the latter.

On occasion, you see some pretty audacious pieces of work sent out by 'promoters' in London. This is the best one I have ever seen. This was sent to us for a gig in a London Venue I'd never heard of, on a Sunday night no less. Read on people, lols aplenty.


Dear Liam,

Details

After 20 people coming to see your act £20 goes to you & then £1.50 for every person coming to see you. After 40 people £65 then £2 for every person coming to see you

Admission is £5 with or without a flyer, you can download a flyer from my web site or design your own.

A minimum of 25 people is required for a rebooking

Please Note Everyone must be over 18

Your set will last for 30 minutes. Please ensure you keep to this length, these venues will attract your fans only.

The (NAME WITHELD) has a kit you can hire for £5 you just need to bring cymbals, cymbal stands and snare. You do not have to hire the kit

It is understood & agreed that a minimum number of paying customers must attend the above dated show. If on the night the paying customers fall below the set minimum any future dates will be jeopardised. It is very important that your act does not play another London show Two weeks (14 days) either side of your gig as this will obviously diminish your audience.

(NAME WITHELD) hires the venue, the PA, the soundperson and the doorperson.

If you appear to have made no effort to promote your gig we reserve the right to shorten your set or cancel it.

** If you or your band has a web site you can add a link by going to my web site **

Also if you have a logo, photos or a video please forward them to go on the site

Any loss or damage to equipment caused by any band member on the premise at any of the venue’s will be charged directly to you. This liability you accept by your appearance at the booking on the date shown.

please email or send this confirmation portion back for the atten of

(NAME WITHELD)

Signed by

For and on behalf of

(Artist / Band)

Happy Birthday (to us)

people on keyboards,

It was our first birthday yesterday, we are 1 year old. This means we don't say much and still aren't toilet trained, but girls still think we're cute and we get pushed around in buggies.

Like most 1st birthday parties, we celebrated by going to see Wolves in the Throne Room, who kicked our asses like real hard.

Looking forward to the Bardens show on the 15th, new tunes to play...

Back for 2009 and with added social networking

Hi internet,

Oroku Saki are back in action after a 2 month hiatus. Liam went to sit on the beach in Australia for 2 months, while David stayed unemployed, grew a beard then shaved the beard.

Succumbing to enormous societal pressure, last night we started a myspace page, amongst claims of 'what the fuck is this shit?' and 'it's raping my eyes'. But here we are now, entertain us: http://www.myspace.com/therealorokusaki . That's right WE ARE THE REAL OROKU SAKI and the other 250 kabillion bands with the same name are merely pretenders. We know because we asked their girlfriends and they only go to their boyfriends' shows to support them, they really don't like the music but they offer constuctive criticisim (probably stuff like: "have you thought about adding drums?") and deep down the guys don't even care because what kind of girl is going to like a band called Oroku Saki anyway? I mean, they're happy enough that they even have a girlfriend because it's really hard to meet people. But anyway, WE'RE not like that because we are THE REAL Oroku Saki.

We're looking for gigs, hit us up.

Yours,

The Real Oroku Saki.